Time to regret or reflect?

Love. Love is pretty damn important to me. Love in all forms, with a man, love for my friends, love for my family, love for my cats, love for the theatre, love for the world around me. I have come to really hold love sacred. Maybe more sacred than anything. I love to share my life. No question. My thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my dislikes, my tastes, everything.

I met a man recently that really affected my life. In many ways, I tried not to let him into my life. But I couldn't help it. There was that connection, an even stronger one than I had been experiencing lately. And I think it was so strong that I actually got scared this time. I was afraid to let him into my heart. Or so I thought. What I am frustrated with right now is not knowing what could have happened between us. A lot did happen between us, but I'm struggling with wondering what more could have happened.

Unlike the previous men I have gotten involved with lately, I tried not to get involved with this man. I won't say I held out very long, but I held out a lot longer than most. He was younger by a few years, and not as experienced with relationships. Whereas I have had many long term relationships, so many that I have become extra cautious. I told him this when he began to open up to me about how he was feeling about me. The feelings were strong and very intense and in no time, I fell into this thing, alongside him and we spent as much time as we could together.

He is in seminary school. Which also made me quite cautious. He has been involved in the Christian community his whole life, having never really attended a secular educational institution. He's done missionary work, taught classes at religious schools and devoted a large portion of his life to Christianity. Or so it would seem. It's hard for me to reconcile his Christian life with his secular life. He seems to have two very distinct and separate lives. And in recent years he has come to doubt so much about what he has believed in. Those beliefs he held as such a deep-rooted essential part of his life.

My missionary man loves Ingmar Bergman, he loves Woody Allen, he loves Paul Simon, he loves the Coen Brothers, he loves so many things that I love. I think this is what initially drew us together. His first e-mail to me had the subject heading "of the same mind". Yes, there is so much we have that is of the same mind.

I am not anti-religion or anti-Christianity or anti-anything unless it is being closed-minded and judgemental. I am definitely spiritual and I struggle with the same beliefs, I feel most people struggle with. Is there a god? Am I living my life for a higher purpose? Will I live on after my body expires? Where will my soul go? I was also raised in a very Christian household. My dad was a minister (before I was born). I grew up going to church, bible school, even having bible lessons at my house, performed by my father. I even was convinced that people needed to be saved so they could go to heaven , well into my college years. I remember my college boyfriend and I having a fight over this, since he was agnostic. But once I hit my mid to late 20's I began questioning everything. Doubt loomed heavy and I couldn't agree with a lot of what was supposedly written in the bible. So I stick to living my life wondering and questioning, and I am ok with that most days. I probably live my life in a more "Christian" manner than most. I am giving, forgiving and very loving. And I try not to harm anyone or anything.

So what does this all come down to for me and the missionary man? Well, he pulled away when he realized how attached he had become to me. He pulled away saying I wouldn't fit into his world. This world that has been such a huge part of his life. I never asked him to give up anything. And I am angry because I feel that I am probably a better person than most of those people that have fit so well into his "world". And I feel he could be, or actually is closer to me, than most of those people. He said he was already regretting his decision not to see me anymore.

He is very intelligent, he's a philosopher. He will always question. And if he had a more secular background, I feel that this would never have been an issue. I just find it frustrating that I see right past all of this bullshit (about me not fitting in), and right into some part of his soul that is dying to free himself of all these restrictions and beliefs that he cannot reconcile in his own head, his heart and his soul.

I have done nothing wrong, I do not regret spending my time with him. I do not regret getting as close to him as I did. I do not regret lying in bed with him and skipping work while he skipped class and spending the whole day together talking and holding hands and kissing. Our bodies and our minds connected. Do I wish we could continue to spend time together? Yes. Do I want to see him again? Yes. I simply do not understand why we aren't lying together right now watching a Townes Van Zandt documentary.

I do not fit in his world, because he does not fit in his world. I do think he needs to figure out who he is, and what he believes and what are the most important things in his life. I am sad now and I feel a great loss by not being with him anymore. What usually happens between two people over a period of several months, happened between us within two weeks. I miss him. But I cannot let myself become more attached to him. That's the irony.

Why did I have to return his call?

So here I am. Back to the beginning. Waiting for a sign from the magician that he wants to see me. That he's crazy about me. That he misses me. I'm trying, trying so hard not to think about him. But I can't help myself.

I returned his call about a week ago. He picked up right away although he was waiting on a call from his lighting guy. He seemed genuinely happy to hear my voice. The lighting guy called in. He put me on hold for a few seconds and was right back, asking me about everything that had been going on in my life. He seemed a little upset about my moving to NYC in a month. I told him I was going to go this weekend to the city and he asked me specifically what day. Which I found a little odd. But will make more sense as you will see a little later. So it ended up being about a 20 minute conversation about what had gone on in our lives over the last 2 months. Then he had to go pick up his lighting guy from the airport but just as he was getting off the phone he said "I'm sorry I haven't called you, but of course I've been thinking about you, of course." To which I just said a very hesitant "ok". Then he said "And eventually I'm going to come see you." Which again, I replied with a very hesitant "ok".

What was I supposed to say? We had pretty much left it with the agreement that we wouldn't be communicating and then he calls me and says all of that. Pretty open admission for him. Obviously he had been missing me. But now what? I miss him yes. I'd love to see him, yes. I'd love to go to Maine. But I couldn't say any of it. I'm so afraid he'll break my heart again.

So I got an e-mail from him on Monday asking me if I was going to NYC and that he might take the Fung Wah out of Boston on Wednesday morning (today). I wrote him back saying that I wasn't able to make it and asked him why he was going to NYC. I wanted to know because when he came to visit me in Boston, he declared his dislike for cities in general. I know he doesn't have a show there. So I'm really confused and still wondering why he bothered to call me again. His communication skills are not great. But I do miss him. But I don't know if I can allow him to keep this sort of hold over me even if I am ultimately in control of it. I'm lost and don't know what to do with him.

But I'm still moving to NYC this September 1. A new life and a new beginning. I just have to decide if I am going to allow the magician any access to any part of my future.

Getting over the ex: Rule # 1 before you make another date.

Just when you start to feel like you have gotten past certain feelings, they seem to come back full force. The magician called this past Saturday. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't know he had called. But then there it was, a voicemail waiting for me. This voicemail appeared 2 hours before a scheduled date. We'll get to that in a moment. I listened to the message which seemed like a lot of his other messages, almost as if no time had passed and we were still seeing each other. It started with a hello, ran down a list of what he had been doing lately, and went on to say that he was in Chicago getting ready to do a show and he had driven out there. He said he hoped I was well, used the little nickname he had for me and then ended with a "give me a shout back" and a "hope to hear from you".

And I still went out on the date after hearing that. I said to myself, "Fuck it, I can still go out with this really cute boy, who seems very interested in me, he's around my age and seems to have figured out what he wants. " Now, I had met this man the previous weekend through some friends. One of them being the previously mentioned man from the wedding reception. They are both in the same band. Yeah, I'm starting to feel like a groupie. Thank god the other two guys are gay.

But it seems that every guy I meet lately is overly enthusiastic about me at first but then they start to realize they are fucked up or not over their ex and then I am just this great girl who happened to spark their interest but can be nothing more. And I am not even sure I want to be something more. Well maybe with the beautiful man from the wedding reception. We'll call him Hank. Hank definitely made me feel butterflies but he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend. And then I meet his bandmate, which I will call Dylan. Now, Dylan was really really cute. And very sweet, driving me home the first night we all hung out. And then asking me out on a date a few days later. Like Hank, Dylan had texted me the "had a fun night with you" text. I mean, can I safely assume this is a guy's way of telling you he's interested? Or should I start assuming it means they like me, are interested in me but not over their ex-girlfriend?

Because that was also the case with Dylan. And this happened after an almost 12 hour date. I'm thinking things are great up until the point we are kissing and he says "Well this is different." That should have tipped me off, as well as the picture of him and the ex still sitting on his dresser. I mean, this was great date of dinner, drinks, walking around the city, holding hands, strangers telling us that they thought we were such a cute couple, etc etc.

And then as I am lying in his arms later that evening, he says that he knows his relationship with his ex is over but then again he might also want to get back with her and settle down with her. At which there is a moment of awkard silence and then he says, "You're wondering why you are here aren't you?" And I say "Yes". Then I get, "You are a beautiful, amazing, gorgeous girl, don't ever doubt that because I'm fucked up." Exact words my friends. Exact words.

And honestly, I can't be too mad at him. I was thinking about the magician a lot of the time. But I was trying so hard not to. The magician. I had missed him so very much. So I called him back this past Tuesday. Stay tuned.

Going with your gut. Can it always be right?

Ok ladies, I've been on a hiatus. I had been in a depression of sorts. I thought somehow I had enough wisdom in my 34 years to not get my heart broken again. And I'm beginning to wonder if this pattern is just something I need to learn to live with. I trust my gut, I go with my gut. I put my heart on the line because I don't know how else to be. I hate dishonesty. Maybe I'd rather let the sobs come and feel those great emotions well up inside me rather than deny them or not let them come full force, like the eye of a hurricane ripping straight through my heart.

The magician let me down. Oh yes, big time. He was yet another man who was lost, who didn't know what he wanted. A man of almost 53 years and he still hasn't found a way to let something real into his life. A man who couldn't express his emotions. A man who told me I was wonderful. A man who told me I was gorgeous. A man who told me I woke him up. A man who didn't mind letting me into his bedroom and perhaps into his heart briefly, and then shut me out almost as soon as he opened the door.

Yes, he came to visit me. Two days before my birthday. He spent the night. We had dinner, brunch, did some shopping. But I could tell it was over, almost moments after he stepped into my house. Even though he held me to him, walked hand in hand with me and slept against my bare skin. He fixed my door. The door that was falling off its hinges. He fixed my door and broke my heart. He wanted to leave things in that sort of "who knows what will happen" category. I told him no. That wouldn't be healthy for me. I told him not to contact me and then cried for 3 days straight. And in a weak moment, I texted him on my way to Virginia, 2 weeks later. Just to say that I hoped he was well and that I was thinking of him. He instant messaged me the next day and it was the usual, small chit chat, no conversation of any consequence and I knew it was really over. I bought him a birthday present. I wrote him a card, a poem. I almost mailed it. But I didn't. It's still sitting in my room. And I like it there. This was a huge step for me, not mailing it. Not letting him know I still cared and how he affected me and what it all meant to me. And as time went on. I knew I did the right thing. It was a brief affair. Maybe it was just what I needed then too. Even if it did hurt like hell afterwards.

Then unexpectedly in Virginia. I met another man. Well, a man I had met 3 years ago actually. But only once, and I had thought he was very lovely then. But when I saw him again, I felt those wonderful little butterflies, he made my knees weak, my heart melt. I don't think I've ever laid eyes on anyone as beautiful as he is. I didn't think it would be possible to even be affected or look at someone that way again. Honestly. After the magician debacle, I was not ready to dive back in there and open myself up.

But this man. He was just too lovely. And I know there was something happening between us, from the start. And it wasn't just obvious to me, but to those around us witnessing it. And we had been in pretty regular contact since that day over Memorial Day weekend. We had gone out several times. I had to force myself not to call him and ask him to hang out everyday. And he did the asking too. It all started with his simple text, the night back in May, saying "I had a fun night with you Susan!" and so it appeared he was interested. He didn't need to text me that. We had hung out in a group (although we did kind of pair off as the evening progressed). Back in Boston (yes he lives here as well), he invited me to hear his band play and I thought this was a particularly good sign because I had to ride down to Providence with him.

And we continued to talk, see each other, even make a movie date of sorts. But I can also tell when someone is pulling back. And he was. And it turns out he had recently broken up with someone a week before I saw him again. He's not ready. And really, am I ready? I doubt it. But there is just something about him. I know he is a good person. Not only beautiful and I mean amazingly beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside. And I can't seem to shake this feeling I have, of the possibility of something genuine and uniquely beautiful happening between us. But I have to just let him be. I'm not going to force anything. And I'm also going to look out for myself again and get back to focusing on me. It will be good for me to not be involved with anyone. But given my choice, I would take a chance with him in a heartbeat.

He's opened my eyes. Meeting him has given me the belief that there could be someone out there that will be good for me. Someone who is intelligent, beautiful, thoughtful and kind. At least I know I deserve someone like him. I deserve happiness and to be the woman that a man wants to be with for more than just sex... or even a great love affair. I am thankful that I met him again, regardless of what will or will not be in the present.

Guess Who's Coming to Boston?

Let's talk patience. For a gal raised by a dad with a patience rating between 1 and 0, I have an amazing amount of patience. Perhaps it's having watched my mother be the most amazing and patient woman I have ever seen. Maybe watching her all those years, I've grown accustomed to putting myself aside for the needs of others. God knows she did. Perhaps this seemed normal and acceptable in my eyes. Just the way of life. Now, I should mention here that my dad is 19 years older than my mom. I should also mention that the magician is 19 years older than me. And if we dig even further, Jake was 17 years older than me. And right before Jake, I dated a man 20 years older than me.

I'm not sure if this is telling, or if it speaks volumes about me. I'm not sure I've ever looked for a man of a certain age. Honestly, in most cases I have been pursued, not the other way around. And in these cases, these older men didn't know my background, whether it be family or previous relationships. And I never considered any of the older men in my life to be father figures since my dad was 44 years older than me.

And as I've said before, I've dated men in a variety of age ranges. I've dated men a few years younger than me, a few years older than me, men my age, men 7-10 years older than me, and men in that 15-20 years older age bracket. But I've generally been attracted to men regardless of their age. It just never seemed to be a factor for disqualifying a man from my life. You can't help who you fall for.

But back to the e-mail. I was sure I wouldn't hear from the magician for a few days. I was almost sure I had crossed into territory that would scare him away. I was sure he was going to tell me that it had been fun but he wasn't ready for anything more at this point in his life.

But I got a phone call, less than 12 hours after sending the e-mail. At first the conversation turned to small talk but then moments later he said, "So I got your e-mail."And shortly after "You just need to be patient with me". And now I am asking myself, can I be? Should I be? How long do I wait again for a man to put me as a priority? To be fair, his life is insanely hectic right now. He does have a lot on his plate. But I had gone to see him at this point, 4 times and he had yet to come to Boston. He told me he really liked me. He said things would settle soon. I do realize that whenever he is not busy, he is calling me. He keeps in touch with me regularly, so I don't question that he wants to see me again. I just questioned when, and how often is enough for him.

Then he called me Sunday night. He said he is coming to visit me this Saturday and Sunday. I was a little surprised but a little relieved. Hopefully after this weekend we can both figure out where this is headed. I can't keep falling for him and get my heart broken once again. I just can't keep doing this. I wish I could have kept it casual, but I just don't work that way. Something's not programmed in my DNA to allow that sort of safety.

The Anxiety of Waiting

Before I break into what I am going through right now, I want to mention the book I am reading. It's called The Three-Cornered World by Natsume Soseki. From the first chapter:

Approach everything rationally, and you become harsh.
Pole along in the stream of emotions , and you will be swept away by the current.
Give free rein to your desires, and you become uncomfortably confined.
It is not a very agreeable place to live, this world of ours.

This is exactly what I am feeling right now. I'm trying not to get swept away by my emotions and at the same time I want to stay true to myself.

So I wrote an e-mail last night. This wasn't the easy way out. It was the only way out. Since the magician lives 2 plus hours away, and travels every weekend and when he isn't traveling, he is up on a mountain skiing or snowboarding, our time together and our conversations have been limited.

I had to find out what the hell is going on in his head. He is flying out of Boston today. And he is flying back into Boston Saturday morning. When I spoke to him last night, there was still no mention of him visiting me or coming to Boston any more than his usual flights in out out of the city. The last message from him was that he would be visiting me in Boston, but no plans have been made. And I know the difficulty of us being 2 states away and I also understand that when he travels he always has his lighting guy with him. But the romantic in me wants to scream out, "Hey why don't I sneak out of my temp job and come visit you at the airport, even if it's for 10 minutes." That's what I am feeling. And I honestly don't know what he is feeling.

So I asked him. I put my heart on the line. It's out there now. So now I must play the gut-wrenching, unknowing, all consuming waiting game.

I wasn't accusing. I was simply asking, what he is feeling. I see no need to guess or wonder at this point. I don't need to work up scenarios in my head or sit here and put words in his mouth. I simply asked and I would have done it in person if I could figure out when and where we would see each other again. But there was no definite time frame and I've gotten tired of wondering.

It could be good. It could be bad. Whatever it is, at least I'll know and that is better than being left in the dark.

The Talk

Why is it that often times we are afraid of talking to our lovers? I'm up late wondering, should I have the talk.

I've been seeing the magician for over a month now. It's been almost two months since we have been back in touch. And it was so easy to talk before we slept together. It was so comfortable. It was a huge high, 24/7. Now it's a huge "what is going on?" What is going on? What is going on in his mind? That's what I am wondering. What is going on in my mind? That's what I'm wondering if he is wondering. Is he wondering anything at all? How soon is it to have a serious talk about where this is all going?

Now, I am not ready for a full-blown relationship. But I am ready to spend more time together. I am ready to know more about him. And what I really want and need to know is, "Am I the only woman he is seeing?" Or to be more accurate, "Am I the only woman he is sleeping with?" I have no real reason to think he is seeing someone else. But I do not know for sure because it has never been stated. And, having plenty of friends who are men, I know that plenty of men see plenty of women and they often don't tell these women that they are seeing other women. So the question also is, is that an ethical choice? If you think your partner might believe she is the only one you are seeing, is it ok to not tell her that that isn't the case? And do you feel guilty for withholding this information?

My thoughts lately are running in all kinds of directions. I'm having all kinds of crazy thoughts like:

He is secretly seeing another woman.
He is secretly seeing his ex-girlfriend
He's actually married and his wife lives in a different state.
He wishes he hadn't started this affair with me.
He wishes he hadn't started the affair with me but he enjoys the sex so he'll continue to see me.
He doesn't know how to end this affair.
He is enjoying the affair and wants it to be more but realizes how impractical it is because we live in different states.
He lives in Maine, I'm moving to New York in the fall, so what's the point?

So the real question is, when do I just ask him how he feels? Because that is obviously the next step. But I'm also really enjoying the excitement, the adventure, the uncertainty, the "my god what's going to happen next" aspect, so I've been keeping my mouth shut. Because part of me loves the uncertainty. But part of me is making myself miserable wondering what the hell he is thinking about me.

We see each other, it's wonderful. He doesn't call for days. He calls again and everything is back to normal. We see each other again. Same pattern.

It is difficult being over 2 hours away from one another, so when I go to New York, it will be over 6 hours. So what exactly am I doing? What do I want? All I know is, there's something really amazing happening between us and I'm not one to just let that go or to just let it fade away.

Do we need to know?

Why is it that sometimes we can share our bodies so intimately with someone we don't really know all that well? Or maybe we do actually know them.

There have been two instances in my life, two lovers, whom I have opened myself up to almost immediately without knowing much about them or their history. And it seemed like the history didn't matter, and still doesn't. Now, I have been guilty in the past of obsessing over past mistakes, past relationships, the past in general (both mine and my lover's). Thinking too much is one of my prized qualities. I don't necessarily want to compare these two lovers. But what is interesting is, that I have chosen to ignore certain lovers pasts and obsess over certain other ones.

So why do we obsess? What makes us question and dig further with some men and be completely content with not knowing much about the others? And I don't mean about who they are, but I mean about who they have been with or what their previous relationships were like.

Take the first man I chose not to know much about (at the time of the love affair, circa 1994). I'll call him Jake. Now, Jake and I had an unbelievable chemistry from the start. Still do to this day but we are separated by several states and he is now married. But if we are in the presence of one another physically, that chemistry is still felt and is still as strong as it was about 13 years ago. At the time, the affair was a very physical one. But underneath the physical was a very deep rooted spiritual connection that was never talked about. It was just felt. And it wasn't until those years later that we started getting to know each other's history, our likes and dislikes, who we had become and who we were. And once we began learning more about each other, you could easily figure out why the bond was (and is still) so strong.

Even now, we tend to go through break-ups and cycles like a real couple. We get heated and fight like we are in a relationship. We have a very strong urge to call one another whenever we are going through a really rough time or when we are celebrating something spectacular in our lives.

He was the one who broke my heart, still to this day the worst it has ever been broken, and this was when I was 21. I didn't speak to him for 11 years. That's how badly I was wounded. I don't know why I sought him out about 2 years ago. Maybe some part of me had missed him in my life. Maybe some part of me had hoped I wasn't the only one who had felt that strong bond. Maybe I needed closure. Maybe I just wanted to know he still cared and to let him know I still cared about him, even after all that time. I still don't really know about any of the women who came before me and I still don't care to know about them.

And then there is my most recent love affair, with the magician. Once again, I don't want to know about the women he has been with in the past. I only want to see him and spend time with him and get to know him. I find him fascinating. I felt a strong connection with him about 6 years ago when we met, but I didn't know why. And I didn't know why I had always kept him somewhere in the back of mind after all of this time. And after re-connecting after those 6 years, I still clearly feel the bond. And now that we are getting to know each other, I can see why the bond is there, why there is such a strong connection. Yet we are still getting to know one another. And as we get to know each other, it all makes sense as to why we had this unique spark and connection. And maybe deep down, we do know each other, in the ways that matter. In the ways that aren't complicated and bogged down with all of life's little complications and issues.

I just know I love being with him, I love making him laugh and having him make me laugh. I love lying next to him, feeling his skin next to mine. I love the little pleasure of just holding his hand. It would be nice to continue this feeling. And if I learn about him along the way, then that is wonderful. But I think I already know enough to be comfortable with him and to share myself with him. My only fear is that it may not work out in the long run and I don't look forward to having my heart broken again. I try not to think this way, but somewhere those old wounds still exist. My past has shaped my present whether I want it to or not.

Senseless Competition

It seems we are always in competition with something. Like in my last relationship, I was always in constant competition with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Now, we all have that feeling at some point. We feel those same thoughts:

Am I as beautiful?
Am I as smart?
Am I as witty?
Am I as talented?
Am I going to be the one he gives his weekend up for, to lie in bed with me all day making love?
Will he make me pancakes too?
Will he find the balance in his life, so that I feel important?
Will I feel like the amazing, beautiful, talented and loving girlfriend I know that I am?

And once you reach the point in a relationship, or perhaps in the dating cycle, where you begin to share stories of exes with each other, the good times and the bad times, you begin to wonder how you will measure up. How do you measure up in your mind and in his? And what projections are you putting on him and what he thinks. What thoughts are you placing in his head that really belong in yours? You have to wonder, are they really the thoughts that he is having?

I know I have done this, time and time again. As women, we struggle to maintain our high self-esteem, a good self-image. As a woman, it is more challenging and difficult to feel like you are always coming out on top, always coming out ahead. We compete every day in our lives, so why most we compete in our relationships? And do we really need to? Is this something we can focus on and change in order to make our lives happier and less stressful? I mean, why should we find competition with the one person whom we have chosen to make a big priority in our life? The person we have chosen to spend as much time as possible with, while the world spins around us?

Now, back to my ex. This wasn't the typical story of just being jealous or in competition with an ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend you have heard about, or even see from time to time. This was an ex-girlfriend whom he lived with, had bought a house with, was helping raise her child (which wasn't his). Now granted they had dated 15 plus years ago and granted she had a steady boyfriend for the past 5 years or so. But this did not make it any easier. And I found myself constantly competing for his time and feeling like she had the "husband" aspect of the relationship, while I had the "romantic affair" aspect. It was almost like I was the "other woman". And while their relationship was strictly platonic, I felt like I was never going to get in "there", that place where he would give the part of himself over to me that would enable me to be secure and happy and on the road to a healthy successful partnership.

He never did, when we together. He wants to now, now that we are apart. Two months too late. And now that I have moved on and am more confident, happy and secure with myself, he wants me back. He realized his mistakes. He realized that I wasn't crazy for feeling jealous, for being unhappy with the situation, for deciding I was better than all of it. And I am better than all of that. And I won't go back. When I move forward, I stay ahead of the past. I can only look to the future. And perhaps the future will be full of more competitions and more second-guessing. But we all have to stop at some point and say, "I don't need this bullshit." Let's see what's next.

I mean, I do like pumpkin lattes....

So I have this friend who recently brought up the "Cinderella Complex" to me. This is basically the idea that women have this unconscious desire to be taken care of by a man. Our prince charming. Our knight in shining armour. Our elusive soul mate.

It's interesting, because growing up southern and living in a small town, I definitely think I was taught that this was what to expect out of life. Marry before you are 30, have babies, let the man take care of your financial needs and have a home in a nice suburban neighborhood and go shopping during the week.

I have constantly fought against this idea. But there is my family. Who I miss in many ways but if I was to move back to Virginia I would be artistically unfulfilled and deny who I really am. Not the way to go. But it's hard being away from your family and especially my nieces whom I adore. But I also have a fierce independent streak. The idea of living my life and being completely dependent on a man or anyone for that matter is so unappetizing to me.

Now, I'm not going to lie, as an artist, I would love to be more financially secure. The constant struggle to stay afloat and not sink to another profession is difficult. I'm just happy that I am secure enough in my talent and who I am to not let myself fall into another more cushy profession. Now, I do write and I do sing and I do other creative things besides acting. But I cannot imagine myself doing anything else because it's such an inherent part of who I am.

I like the idea of sharing. I like the idea of, if and when you meet someone with the same goals and the same ideas about how you want to live your life, that you share, become partners so to speak. But I would never want to give up part of my independence. It just isn't human nature. I think we all have things we love doing alone, by ourselves. It's finding the fine line between sharing and not sharing that can be difficult.

If anyone knows me, they know I love to share. My stories, my knowledge, my talent, my car (well when it was working), my dinners, my friendship, my passions, myself. I love making other happy. But I have also learned recently to make myself happy and to not give too much away too soon. This I am already finding to be a struggle when it comes to my new lover. My magician, I will call him.

I met him yesterday at the airport. An hour of time to just kiss and hold hands. I felt so comfortable, yet it was very exciting and thrilling. And then I sit and think about how wonderful the feeling was and how I crave it even more now. Being with him, next to him, it seems just right and perfect. But we don't know each other that well yet. And I have started to fantasize about the future. So I already know I need to pull myself back into what my goals are and my needs are. I need to just enjoy this amazing feeling and see where it leads. And hopefully I am not wrong in thinking it may lead to something really beautiful.

Voices in your head. Voices in your heart.

I am a die hard romantic. This is obvious. I often wonder what has made me so. What influences made me so, or was I just genetically made up this way? And for a woman who has had her heart broken numerous times, why do I keep going back for more? Most people after 5 plus failed relationships would say, "Fuck this love bullshit, I'm going to start sleeping around without getting involved emotionally and stand on my own goddamn feet and I'm not getting attached to another man as long as I can help it".

But oh no, I keep coming back for more. I keep diving heart first into what I feel could be "the big one". I honestly thought after my last relationship I would shut my heart down. Not to be opened again for at least a year. Not to be looked at, touched upon, no peeking, not even so much as a sly glance at it. I thought it would be closed off and not even a crow bar would be able to pry it open, even slightly.

But then I met someone. Well I met this someone 6 years ago and due to another relationship, I didn't pursue this person at that time. But I had often wondered "what if?" And I was blissfully happy with another man when I met this someone. So even though there had been a spark I chose to ignore it. Why fuck up something great for the unknown, right? I waited 6 years to contact this someone. It was an impulsive decision. I'm known for my impulsive decisions. Being impulsive has gotten me in trouble, but it sure as hell has made for some very amazing and memorable experiences.

And there was still a spark after all these years. I had only briefly met him when I was working in a box office at a performing arts center and his theatre company was touring a show that had come through one evening. We had maybe spent all of 20 minutes together back then but that was enough to keep a lasting impression. We had kept in touch on and off for a bit. He had even e-mailed me 2 1/2 years after our initial meeting. Obviously some spark was fighting to stick around. So I took a chance and I contacted him again last month and what has followed has been some of my most passionate times to date. The intensity was more powerful in person than it was when we were calling and e-mailing. And seeing him again after those 6 years felt exhilarating. We held hands within the first few moments and now all I can think about is feeling that same intensity when I see him again. I dream of kissing him almost every night because the kisses are perfect. And I am happy when I hear his voice. I instantly perk up and feel this whole other level of elevation.

Now do you see the romantic in me? His voice drowns out my voice, because when he speaks, I lose the inner voice that says, "Watch out, he may break your heart. He might let you down, he may not see this thing through". And that is my downfall typically. Meeting that perfect guy who can tear his way into my heart without my noticing it. I feel incapable of stopping it. And I often think I don't really want to. I often think I would rather take a chance on a passionate love affair than close myself off to something that could really be spectacular. My desires can out rule my logic. My mind often shuts down while my heart breaks past my brain and into the wonderful world of the unknown.

For the first time in my life I feel whole. I don't feel I need someone else to complete me. I am complete. I am in control of my own destiny and I choose to enjoy the passion while I can and if it turns out that this is the "big one" then I will welcome it. And if it turns out to be another failure. I will accept that too. But I'm a risk taker and I will take the chance because if I didn't I wouldn't be true to myself. I don't know any other way to be.

Shall We Romance?

I know it's almost 2 am. But I am wide awake. So let's talk romance. We all crave it. I crave it. I think it's vital. I think without it, our minds wander. Our natural impulse is to find it, recover it, discover it. If it's not in our lives, we look for it in books, movies, plays, music, other people, our friends, our celebrities. I think we all love a great romance story. And we also love the great romantic failures too. We tend to love it when celebrity couples break up as much as, if not more than, when we see them fall in love. So sometimes I wonder, do I enjoy the big romantic failures of my life?

I have some great stories, some stories that are difficult to believe really happened. I've met a lot of men with situations that required a lot of patience and understanding. Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes I question theirs. Sometimes I think that I must look for complicated situations that will keep my life from being static. What each of my relationships have in common is romance. There was always some big romantic gesture or beginning to most of them. And each man caught me up in the idea that I was in the most romantic of all possibilities. At least in the beginning.

I don't know if I'm a sucker or if I really made men fall madly in love with me. I wonder if, like my first love (from high school) said, I just give off pheromones that draw certain men to me. And I am definitely a sucker for compliments. I love it when a guy tells me I'm stunning, or gorgeous or exquisite. I love being told I am one of a kind. I crave that feeling of being unique, of being the only woman for this man. Of being the Rita Hayworth in a sea of Tori Spellings.

Of being a woman who has it all.

Funny, beautiful, smart, sexy, successful, creative. A great conversationalist, the nurturer, the supporter, the best friend...the amazing lover.

When I start to feel like a man thinks these things about me, I'm hooked. I feel like finally, I found a guy who gets it. A guy who will always appreciate me and never take me for granted. And I want these same characteristics in my guy. So when we are both feeling this way it paves the way for a big romance.

So how long is the romance supposed to last? I'm hoping as long as possible. I'm not looking for a bouquet of sunflowers every day or jewelry on every important occasion. But I think it's important to hear often, that you are beautiful, sexy, smart...incredible. It doesn't have to be vocally, it can be a simple as a back rub after a long day, or being given the last french fry or taking you to a movie or concert, he knows you'll love, even if he knows he won't.

And the ladies have to be romantic as well. Men crave it too, just maybe not as frequently or to the same degree. But I think it's a two-way street. You gotta give to get and you gotta keep it going and not let it die.

And a lot of the times, it does die. I'm not sure it's something you can totally prevent. I do think certain relationships have a romance expiration date. And some can be put in the fridge and kept longer and some go bad only after a few days on the shelf. And maybe, just maybe, some will last forever.

More stories to come...

Can't this song make it real?

Come on ladies, you know you do this. Or am I the only one?

I woke up this morning, feeling that need to make sense of what is going on. At least, a little more sense. It's the beginning, let's not try to screw it up by asking too many questions too soon. I don't need to label anything. It is not necessary at this point. I simply just want to know if the feelings going on between us are mutual, as intense, as strong. And I feel that they are, I just feel there is a different way of expressing them that is happening. But how do I find out without directly asking him, you may inquire? Well, you can't really. And if you can't or rather don't want to ask, then what can you do? You can find other outlets, other ways to deal, to cope. And you can just enjoy the moment and say, "It's only going to be this way for so long. This crazy, anxious, gut-wrenching time, filled with a mixed barrel of emotions, first flutters and sink your teeth into passions that will stick with you forever. Enjoy it... and oh yeah, listen to music.

Currently, I'm letting Lucinda Williams speak my thoughts for me. She's a good one gals. She's strong and fierce and also vulnerable and passionate. It's a great combo for this time in my life. Currently World Without Tears is on the iPod. And I listen to "I Just Wanted to See You So Bad" and think, that was my life 2 weeks ago.

I just wanted to see you so bad
You were staying in a big hotel
I just wanted to see you so bad
I didn't know you very well
I just wanted to see you so bad
We'd always talked on the telephone
But I'd never been with you all alone
I just wanted to see you so bad

And then I listen to "Those Three Days" and think, that was my life last week.

You built a nest inside my soul
You rest your head on leaves of gold
You managed to crawl inside my brain
You found a hole and in you came
You sleep like a baby breathing
Comfortably between truth and pain
But the truth is nothing's been the same
Since those three days
Did you only want me for those three days?
Did you only need me for those three days?
Did you love me forever just for those three days?

And I am happy to report that it wasn't just for three days. But I don't have any idea what will happen and isn't that part of the thrill? Yes indeed. And I wish sometimes I could sing my heart out like Lucinda, just in the middle of a conversation and then I think, have I been a hypocrite for not liking musicals all that much? I always found breaking into a song, a little ridiculous when it happens mid-conversation in musicals. Now I am thinking, wouldn't it be nice if I could do the same?

Instead, I allow Lucinda and I to connect briefly as I make my way across the subway platform. I let her words, her voice, her sensuality come through for me. The voice cracks and breaks in soft waves, reverberating across my body. My heart is not breaking, it's teetering the line of hope and anxiety, tinged with the ever present fear that I will lose more of myself than I want to right now.

The brain vs logic vs the heart

It's another night ladies, another early morning. I decided to write at a time my brain is usually working overtime. It's 1 am. I'm almost always up. I can't sleep. The brain is on auto-pilot going through my mistakes, my aches, my desires, my questions, my to do lists, my "where is all of this going" rundown. You see I am recently single but I've also begun, for lack of better words, an affair. Yes, you are all like, finally, enough with the advice, let's get to the juicy details! Earlier I confessed my serial monogamy, this is true. And while I always say to myself, Susan be single, just be single, my heart always craves that one big love. Maybe he is one of my soul mates, perhaps that certain soul mate that I mentioned earlier, that will meet me at just the right time, when all of the planets align or misalign or whatever you want to call it. And now I am up at 1 am wondering, "where is all of this going?" I'm not in a relationship, I'm not a girlfriend. I am perhaps a lover yes, and I don't know how frequently this lover and I will meet up. It's new and exciting and scary. I'm already smitten, in a huge way. But he lives far enough away that I don't have to plan any sort of schedule around him. Oh, except for my thoughts. They are surrounded by him.

And now I'm up wondering if his plane made it ok to Seattle. I'm wondering, what is he thinking now? Is he sleeping? Is he remembering the moment we first saw each other after 6 years? Is he remembering the glass of water that led us into our first touch, our first kiss and then into his bedroom? Or is he just sitting there wondering what time he needs to get up tomorrow or what he's going to eat for breakfast?

Ah the brain, why can't it just let me be single and secure? Why the little gnawing questions? Why must it label every goddamn thing? My lover is making me very happy at the moment. He makes me laugh and he has helped renew in me a higher self-esteem. I'm going to try to breathe, relax and say, everything is ok and will be ok. Whatever happens next is going to happen, whether I think it to death or not. So I choose sleep, or at least another 45 minutes of struggling for peace. Didn't I say I was going to talk about music? Perhaps later this morning, after my brain wears itself out.

Woody Allen Redux

Ladies, I know this is a tough one. But now is the time to appreciate your past relationships. No matter how shitty they were. You learned something. You became stronger, possibly without even knowing it. You are still here. You are alive. You can open yourself up to at least one more heart-wrenching, all-consuming passionate experience. Think about what you've gained. You've probably gained a lot more than you realized and you've become the amazing person that you are. Unless you are still bitter and in that case, get the fuck out. No, seriously we've all been bitter but you gotta think about what good being bitter does for your soul. Not a whole hell of a lot. It's better to come out strong, kicking and fighting for your place in this world. Be it with or without your so-called soul mate.

I think about my worst relationships. And I think, well, there were some good things that came out of them. Like, my 5 year relationship with, we'll call him Ray. Ray was a chain smoker and a control freak. No one was good enough for me to be friends with (except for him of course!) and community theatre was below me. I was an actor just out of college and living in a city without much opportunity in theatre. We lived together in a house next to a graveyard in one of the worst sections of town. We worked in a used book store one day a week in exchange for rent. There was no plumbing when we moved in. No heat. No nothing. Just me and Ray and a house as dark and full of flaws as our relationship. More on this later.

Over those 5 years, I watched every Woody Allen movie, at least twice. I had forgotten how much I loved Woody Allen movies, having not really watched any since high school. Also during this time, I became an entrepreneur, starting my own rare book business which I still operate (on my own) today. And I read all kinds of great novels. Some recommended by Ray, like Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell, A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole, The Fool's Progress by Edward Abbey. And then there were the authors I discovered on my own, Amos Oz, Lawrence Durrell, Rainer Maria Rilke and my favorite Ellen Gilchrist. Ellen Gilchrist is a huge recommendation for spunky women who want to live life to their fullest. Trust me on this. She opened my eyes. And her characters are insanely charming, fucked up Southern women who will never bore the shit out of you. Looove her! She's become one of my best friends, like those great films: Annie Hall, When Harry Met Sally and Roman Holiday.

What do you take solace in after a break up or during your difficult and rocky times? I always turn to books, movies, music. I think we all do. Music is huge. I think that's going to be the next topic. But I'm curious what other women use as tools. As far as music goes, Nina Simone is a big one for me. As is Paul Simon. I think music helps us deal but it also helps us create. And creating during these rough times is crucial. Just know that when everything is fucked up, you are learning, you are becoming stronger and you can either use it to create something beautiful and powerful, or you can let it eat you up inside. I choose beauty and strength.

Past Forward Please

We have all learned something, gained knowledge, been empowered and become stronger through our past relationships. Whether those relationships be with your lover, your mother, your father, your friend or your worst enemy. We have endured pain and setbacks but I guarantee some useful knowledge came out of it.

But somehow we tend to be affected more consistently on a daily basis by our lovers, our boyfriends, our significant others. The men who hold our self-esteem in the palm of their hands. The ones who make us smile, make us laugh, make us cry, break our hearts, make us drive in the middle of the night to a hotel room wearing dark sunglasses and a big hat, get on a bus to Maine with a migraine and start an unforgettable love affair. Ok maybe those last two were just me.

We forgive them for hurting our feelings and making us crazy. Because we crave passion and intensity. We crave love and desire. We let our hearts and souls sweep us way ahead of our brains and logic. Sometimes we do. It has happened to all of us and most likely will happen again. As for me, it's difficult for me to say no to my heart. I live my life honestly and passionately and it's difficult for me to deny what I am feeling in the moment. When I let a man get close to me physically, it's because I have already let him get close to me spiritually, in some way.

If you line all of my exes up, you wouldn't be able to characterize me as having a type. I have been dating since I was 16, so now I have dated men ranging from 17 to 52. So my experiences are varied and volatile. I have been with men who are afraid of commitment and men who welcomed it. I have met men who have offered me the world and given it to me and men who have only given me the very bottom from the boot of Italy. You can't let the bad weigh you down. You must look at it and say, what did I learn from this? And use it to your advantage. Becoming stronger and wiser is an incredible feeling.

Next post: Appreciating Your Past Relationships

A Mass Ex of Us

Ladies (and hopefully gentlemen), I have a confession to make: I have been a serial monogamist for a long time. I'm currently working on a novel entitled: I Don't Want Another Ex-Boyfriend: A Novel in 15 Years. Yes it's true, I'm single and I have been in love many times. My soul has touched and been touched by many men. All types, all sizes, all wrong for me for whatever reasons. So I want you to know, you are not alone out there. My stories are true. They may horrify, shock, compel and anger you. But also know that I have been blissfully happy at times and then painfully miserable at others. I'm newly single and newly confident. It may have taken me 15 years, but I've come to understand much more about myself and my choices in life.

Since I was 18 or so, I have gone through many stages of meeting "the one". And so far I've come to realize that there are many "the one"s. Trust me on this. The idea of a soul mate can crush you, haunt you, stultify you, make you sweat, make you weak in your knees, make you impulsive and make you completely miserable. So if you have "sparked" with more than one man in your life, think of how many more may be out there. I'm not saying that there is a whole naval fleet of them ready to step off the ship and greet you with open arms and a dozen calla lilies, but in my personal opinion you should never try all of your sailor hats out on one man. This can really stop you from living your life...for you.

Remember there is only one of you. And you have to make sure that you are sane and healthy before you step out and offer to share yourself and all that you've become with someone else. And also remember, we all make mistakes, the men included. No one is perfect. No one is completely secure. Doubt will creep in, insecurities may seep out. Learn to forgive and move on. I still have hope. I still feel like one of my soul mates and I will meet at the right time when everything will make sense and fit as well as it possibly can in an age where we are overwhelmed by so many choices.

Look for my next entry about learning from your past mistakes. Because you will learn and it will be a good thing.