Time to regret or reflect?

Love. Love is pretty damn important to me. Love in all forms, with a man, love for my friends, love for my family, love for my cats, love for the theatre, love for the world around me. I have come to really hold love sacred. Maybe more sacred than anything. I love to share my life. No question. My thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my dislikes, my tastes, everything.

I met a man recently that really affected my life. In many ways, I tried not to let him into my life. But I couldn't help it. There was that connection, an even stronger one than I had been experiencing lately. And I think it was so strong that I actually got scared this time. I was afraid to let him into my heart. Or so I thought. What I am frustrated with right now is not knowing what could have happened between us. A lot did happen between us, but I'm struggling with wondering what more could have happened.

Unlike the previous men I have gotten involved with lately, I tried not to get involved with this man. I won't say I held out very long, but I held out a lot longer than most. He was younger by a few years, and not as experienced with relationships. Whereas I have had many long term relationships, so many that I have become extra cautious. I told him this when he began to open up to me about how he was feeling about me. The feelings were strong and very intense and in no time, I fell into this thing, alongside him and we spent as much time as we could together.

He is in seminary school. Which also made me quite cautious. He has been involved in the Christian community his whole life, having never really attended a secular educational institution. He's done missionary work, taught classes at religious schools and devoted a large portion of his life to Christianity. Or so it would seem. It's hard for me to reconcile his Christian life with his secular life. He seems to have two very distinct and separate lives. And in recent years he has come to doubt so much about what he has believed in. Those beliefs he held as such a deep-rooted essential part of his life.

My missionary man loves Ingmar Bergman, he loves Woody Allen, he loves Paul Simon, he loves the Coen Brothers, he loves so many things that I love. I think this is what initially drew us together. His first e-mail to me had the subject heading "of the same mind". Yes, there is so much we have that is of the same mind.

I am not anti-religion or anti-Christianity or anti-anything unless it is being closed-minded and judgemental. I am definitely spiritual and I struggle with the same beliefs, I feel most people struggle with. Is there a god? Am I living my life for a higher purpose? Will I live on after my body expires? Where will my soul go? I was also raised in a very Christian household. My dad was a minister (before I was born). I grew up going to church, bible school, even having bible lessons at my house, performed by my father. I even was convinced that people needed to be saved so they could go to heaven , well into my college years. I remember my college boyfriend and I having a fight over this, since he was agnostic. But once I hit my mid to late 20's I began questioning everything. Doubt loomed heavy and I couldn't agree with a lot of what was supposedly written in the bible. So I stick to living my life wondering and questioning, and I am ok with that most days. I probably live my life in a more "Christian" manner than most. I am giving, forgiving and very loving. And I try not to harm anyone or anything.

So what does this all come down to for me and the missionary man? Well, he pulled away when he realized how attached he had become to me. He pulled away saying I wouldn't fit into his world. This world that has been such a huge part of his life. I never asked him to give up anything. And I am angry because I feel that I am probably a better person than most of those people that have fit so well into his "world". And I feel he could be, or actually is closer to me, than most of those people. He said he was already regretting his decision not to see me anymore.

He is very intelligent, he's a philosopher. He will always question. And if he had a more secular background, I feel that this would never have been an issue. I just find it frustrating that I see right past all of this bullshit (about me not fitting in), and right into some part of his soul that is dying to free himself of all these restrictions and beliefs that he cannot reconcile in his own head, his heart and his soul.

I have done nothing wrong, I do not regret spending my time with him. I do not regret getting as close to him as I did. I do not regret lying in bed with him and skipping work while he skipped class and spending the whole day together talking and holding hands and kissing. Our bodies and our minds connected. Do I wish we could continue to spend time together? Yes. Do I want to see him again? Yes. I simply do not understand why we aren't lying together right now watching a Townes Van Zandt documentary.

I do not fit in his world, because he does not fit in his world. I do think he needs to figure out who he is, and what he believes and what are the most important things in his life. I am sad now and I feel a great loss by not being with him anymore. What usually happens between two people over a period of several months, happened between us within two weeks. I miss him. But I cannot let myself become more attached to him. That's the irony.