Going with your gut. Can it always be right?

Ok ladies, I've been on a hiatus. I had been in a depression of sorts. I thought somehow I had enough wisdom in my 34 years to not get my heart broken again. And I'm beginning to wonder if this pattern is just something I need to learn to live with. I trust my gut, I go with my gut. I put my heart on the line because I don't know how else to be. I hate dishonesty. Maybe I'd rather let the sobs come and feel those great emotions well up inside me rather than deny them or not let them come full force, like the eye of a hurricane ripping straight through my heart.

The magician let me down. Oh yes, big time. He was yet another man who was lost, who didn't know what he wanted. A man of almost 53 years and he still hasn't found a way to let something real into his life. A man who couldn't express his emotions. A man who told me I was wonderful. A man who told me I was gorgeous. A man who told me I woke him up. A man who didn't mind letting me into his bedroom and perhaps into his heart briefly, and then shut me out almost as soon as he opened the door.

Yes, he came to visit me. Two days before my birthday. He spent the night. We had dinner, brunch, did some shopping. But I could tell it was over, almost moments after he stepped into my house. Even though he held me to him, walked hand in hand with me and slept against my bare skin. He fixed my door. The door that was falling off its hinges. He fixed my door and broke my heart. He wanted to leave things in that sort of "who knows what will happen" category. I told him no. That wouldn't be healthy for me. I told him not to contact me and then cried for 3 days straight. And in a weak moment, I texted him on my way to Virginia, 2 weeks later. Just to say that I hoped he was well and that I was thinking of him. He instant messaged me the next day and it was the usual, small chit chat, no conversation of any consequence and I knew it was really over. I bought him a birthday present. I wrote him a card, a poem. I almost mailed it. But I didn't. It's still sitting in my room. And I like it there. This was a huge step for me, not mailing it. Not letting him know I still cared and how he affected me and what it all meant to me. And as time went on. I knew I did the right thing. It was a brief affair. Maybe it was just what I needed then too. Even if it did hurt like hell afterwards.

Then unexpectedly in Virginia. I met another man. Well, a man I had met 3 years ago actually. But only once, and I had thought he was very lovely then. But when I saw him again, I felt those wonderful little butterflies, he made my knees weak, my heart melt. I don't think I've ever laid eyes on anyone as beautiful as he is. I didn't think it would be possible to even be affected or look at someone that way again. Honestly. After the magician debacle, I was not ready to dive back in there and open myself up.

But this man. He was just too lovely. And I know there was something happening between us, from the start. And it wasn't just obvious to me, but to those around us witnessing it. And we had been in pretty regular contact since that day over Memorial Day weekend. We had gone out several times. I had to force myself not to call him and ask him to hang out everyday. And he did the asking too. It all started with his simple text, the night back in May, saying "I had a fun night with you Susan!" and so it appeared he was interested. He didn't need to text me that. We had hung out in a group (although we did kind of pair off as the evening progressed). Back in Boston (yes he lives here as well), he invited me to hear his band play and I thought this was a particularly good sign because I had to ride down to Providence with him.

And we continued to talk, see each other, even make a movie date of sorts. But I can also tell when someone is pulling back. And he was. And it turns out he had recently broken up with someone a week before I saw him again. He's not ready. And really, am I ready? I doubt it. But there is just something about him. I know he is a good person. Not only beautiful and I mean amazingly beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside. And I can't seem to shake this feeling I have, of the possibility of something genuine and uniquely beautiful happening between us. But I have to just let him be. I'm not going to force anything. And I'm also going to look out for myself again and get back to focusing on me. It will be good for me to not be involved with anyone. But given my choice, I would take a chance with him in a heartbeat.

He's opened my eyes. Meeting him has given me the belief that there could be someone out there that will be good for me. Someone who is intelligent, beautiful, thoughtful and kind. At least I know I deserve someone like him. I deserve happiness and to be the woman that a man wants to be with for more than just sex... or even a great love affair. I am thankful that I met him again, regardless of what will or will not be in the present.