Can't this song make it real?

Come on ladies, you know you do this. Or am I the only one?

I woke up this morning, feeling that need to make sense of what is going on. At least, a little more sense. It's the beginning, let's not try to screw it up by asking too many questions too soon. I don't need to label anything. It is not necessary at this point. I simply just want to know if the feelings going on between us are mutual, as intense, as strong. And I feel that they are, I just feel there is a different way of expressing them that is happening. But how do I find out without directly asking him, you may inquire? Well, you can't really. And if you can't or rather don't want to ask, then what can you do? You can find other outlets, other ways to deal, to cope. And you can just enjoy the moment and say, "It's only going to be this way for so long. This crazy, anxious, gut-wrenching time, filled with a mixed barrel of emotions, first flutters and sink your teeth into passions that will stick with you forever. Enjoy it... and oh yeah, listen to music.

Currently, I'm letting Lucinda Williams speak my thoughts for me. She's a good one gals. She's strong and fierce and also vulnerable and passionate. It's a great combo for this time in my life. Currently World Without Tears is on the iPod. And I listen to "I Just Wanted to See You So Bad" and think, that was my life 2 weeks ago.

I just wanted to see you so bad
You were staying in a big hotel
I just wanted to see you so bad
I didn't know you very well
I just wanted to see you so bad
We'd always talked on the telephone
But I'd never been with you all alone
I just wanted to see you so bad

And then I listen to "Those Three Days" and think, that was my life last week.

You built a nest inside my soul
You rest your head on leaves of gold
You managed to crawl inside my brain
You found a hole and in you came
You sleep like a baby breathing
Comfortably between truth and pain
But the truth is nothing's been the same
Since those three days
Did you only want me for those three days?
Did you only need me for those three days?
Did you love me forever just for those three days?

And I am happy to report that it wasn't just for three days. But I don't have any idea what will happen and isn't that part of the thrill? Yes indeed. And I wish sometimes I could sing my heart out like Lucinda, just in the middle of a conversation and then I think, have I been a hypocrite for not liking musicals all that much? I always found breaking into a song, a little ridiculous when it happens mid-conversation in musicals. Now I am thinking, wouldn't it be nice if I could do the same?

Instead, I allow Lucinda and I to connect briefly as I make my way across the subway platform. I let her words, her voice, her sensuality come through for me. The voice cracks and breaks in soft waves, reverberating across my body. My heart is not breaking, it's teetering the line of hope and anxiety, tinged with the ever present fear that I will lose more of myself than I want to right now.