The Anxiety of Waiting

Before I break into what I am going through right now, I want to mention the book I am reading. It's called The Three-Cornered World by Natsume Soseki. From the first chapter:

Approach everything rationally, and you become harsh.
Pole along in the stream of emotions , and you will be swept away by the current.
Give free rein to your desires, and you become uncomfortably confined.
It is not a very agreeable place to live, this world of ours.

This is exactly what I am feeling right now. I'm trying not to get swept away by my emotions and at the same time I want to stay true to myself.

So I wrote an e-mail last night. This wasn't the easy way out. It was the only way out. Since the magician lives 2 plus hours away, and travels every weekend and when he isn't traveling, he is up on a mountain skiing or snowboarding, our time together and our conversations have been limited.

I had to find out what the hell is going on in his head. He is flying out of Boston today. And he is flying back into Boston Saturday morning. When I spoke to him last night, there was still no mention of him visiting me or coming to Boston any more than his usual flights in out out of the city. The last message from him was that he would be visiting me in Boston, but no plans have been made. And I know the difficulty of us being 2 states away and I also understand that when he travels he always has his lighting guy with him. But the romantic in me wants to scream out, "Hey why don't I sneak out of my temp job and come visit you at the airport, even if it's for 10 minutes." That's what I am feeling. And I honestly don't know what he is feeling.

So I asked him. I put my heart on the line. It's out there now. So now I must play the gut-wrenching, unknowing, all consuming waiting game.

I wasn't accusing. I was simply asking, what he is feeling. I see no need to guess or wonder at this point. I don't need to work up scenarios in my head or sit here and put words in his mouth. I simply asked and I would have done it in person if I could figure out when and where we would see each other again. But there was no definite time frame and I've gotten tired of wondering.

It could be good. It could be bad. Whatever it is, at least I'll know and that is better than being left in the dark.