Do we need to know?

Why is it that sometimes we can share our bodies so intimately with someone we don't really know all that well? Or maybe we do actually know them.

There have been two instances in my life, two lovers, whom I have opened myself up to almost immediately without knowing much about them or their history. And it seemed like the history didn't matter, and still doesn't. Now, I have been guilty in the past of obsessing over past mistakes, past relationships, the past in general (both mine and my lover's). Thinking too much is one of my prized qualities. I don't necessarily want to compare these two lovers. But what is interesting is, that I have chosen to ignore certain lovers pasts and obsess over certain other ones.

So why do we obsess? What makes us question and dig further with some men and be completely content with not knowing much about the others? And I don't mean about who they are, but I mean about who they have been with or what their previous relationships were like.

Take the first man I chose not to know much about (at the time of the love affair, circa 1994). I'll call him Jake. Now, Jake and I had an unbelievable chemistry from the start. Still do to this day but we are separated by several states and he is now married. But if we are in the presence of one another physically, that chemistry is still felt and is still as strong as it was about 13 years ago. At the time, the affair was a very physical one. But underneath the physical was a very deep rooted spiritual connection that was never talked about. It was just felt. And it wasn't until those years later that we started getting to know each other's history, our likes and dislikes, who we had become and who we were. And once we began learning more about each other, you could easily figure out why the bond was (and is still) so strong.

Even now, we tend to go through break-ups and cycles like a real couple. We get heated and fight like we are in a relationship. We have a very strong urge to call one another whenever we are going through a really rough time or when we are celebrating something spectacular in our lives.

He was the one who broke my heart, still to this day the worst it has ever been broken, and this was when I was 21. I didn't speak to him for 11 years. That's how badly I was wounded. I don't know why I sought him out about 2 years ago. Maybe some part of me had missed him in my life. Maybe some part of me had hoped I wasn't the only one who had felt that strong bond. Maybe I needed closure. Maybe I just wanted to know he still cared and to let him know I still cared about him, even after all that time. I still don't really know about any of the women who came before me and I still don't care to know about them.

And then there is my most recent love affair, with the magician. Once again, I don't want to know about the women he has been with in the past. I only want to see him and spend time with him and get to know him. I find him fascinating. I felt a strong connection with him about 6 years ago when we met, but I didn't know why. And I didn't know why I had always kept him somewhere in the back of mind after all of this time. And after re-connecting after those 6 years, I still clearly feel the bond. And now that we are getting to know each other, I can see why the bond is there, why there is such a strong connection. Yet we are still getting to know one another. And as we get to know each other, it all makes sense as to why we had this unique spark and connection. And maybe deep down, we do know each other, in the ways that matter. In the ways that aren't complicated and bogged down with all of life's little complications and issues.

I just know I love being with him, I love making him laugh and having him make me laugh. I love lying next to him, feeling his skin next to mine. I love the little pleasure of just holding his hand. It would be nice to continue this feeling. And if I learn about him along the way, then that is wonderful. But I think I already know enough to be comfortable with him and to share myself with him. My only fear is that it may not work out in the long run and I don't look forward to having my heart broken again. I try not to think this way, but somewhere those old wounds still exist. My past has shaped my present whether I want it to or not.