Senseless Competition

It seems we are always in competition with something. Like in my last relationship, I was always in constant competition with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Now, we all have that feeling at some point. We feel those same thoughts:

Am I as beautiful?
Am I as smart?
Am I as witty?
Am I as talented?
Am I going to be the one he gives his weekend up for, to lie in bed with me all day making love?
Will he make me pancakes too?
Will he find the balance in his life, so that I feel important?
Will I feel like the amazing, beautiful, talented and loving girlfriend I know that I am?

And once you reach the point in a relationship, or perhaps in the dating cycle, where you begin to share stories of exes with each other, the good times and the bad times, you begin to wonder how you will measure up. How do you measure up in your mind and in his? And what projections are you putting on him and what he thinks. What thoughts are you placing in his head that really belong in yours? You have to wonder, are they really the thoughts that he is having?

I know I have done this, time and time again. As women, we struggle to maintain our high self-esteem, a good self-image. As a woman, it is more challenging and difficult to feel like you are always coming out on top, always coming out ahead. We compete every day in our lives, so why most we compete in our relationships? And do we really need to? Is this something we can focus on and change in order to make our lives happier and less stressful? I mean, why should we find competition with the one person whom we have chosen to make a big priority in our life? The person we have chosen to spend as much time as possible with, while the world spins around us?

Now, back to my ex. This wasn't the typical story of just being jealous or in competition with an ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend you have heard about, or even see from time to time. This was an ex-girlfriend whom he lived with, had bought a house with, was helping raise her child (which wasn't his). Now granted they had dated 15 plus years ago and granted she had a steady boyfriend for the past 5 years or so. But this did not make it any easier. And I found myself constantly competing for his time and feeling like she had the "husband" aspect of the relationship, while I had the "romantic affair" aspect. It was almost like I was the "other woman". And while their relationship was strictly platonic, I felt like I was never going to get in "there", that place where he would give the part of himself over to me that would enable me to be secure and happy and on the road to a healthy successful partnership.

He never did, when we together. He wants to now, now that we are apart. Two months too late. And now that I have moved on and am more confident, happy and secure with myself, he wants me back. He realized his mistakes. He realized that I wasn't crazy for feeling jealous, for being unhappy with the situation, for deciding I was better than all of it. And I am better than all of that. And I won't go back. When I move forward, I stay ahead of the past. I can only look to the future. And perhaps the future will be full of more competitions and more second-guessing. But we all have to stop at some point and say, "I don't need this bullshit." Let's see what's next.