The brain vs logic vs the heart

It's another night ladies, another early morning. I decided to write at a time my brain is usually working overtime. It's 1 am. I'm almost always up. I can't sleep. The brain is on auto-pilot going through my mistakes, my aches, my desires, my questions, my to do lists, my "where is all of this going" rundown. You see I am recently single but I've also begun, for lack of better words, an affair. Yes, you are all like, finally, enough with the advice, let's get to the juicy details! Earlier I confessed my serial monogamy, this is true. And while I always say to myself, Susan be single, just be single, my heart always craves that one big love. Maybe he is one of my soul mates, perhaps that certain soul mate that I mentioned earlier, that will meet me at just the right time, when all of the planets align or misalign or whatever you want to call it. And now I am up at 1 am wondering, "where is all of this going?" I'm not in a relationship, I'm not a girlfriend. I am perhaps a lover yes, and I don't know how frequently this lover and I will meet up. It's new and exciting and scary. I'm already smitten, in a huge way. But he lives far enough away that I don't have to plan any sort of schedule around him. Oh, except for my thoughts. They are surrounded by him.

And now I'm up wondering if his plane made it ok to Seattle. I'm wondering, what is he thinking now? Is he sleeping? Is he remembering the moment we first saw each other after 6 years? Is he remembering the glass of water that led us into our first touch, our first kiss and then into his bedroom? Or is he just sitting there wondering what time he needs to get up tomorrow or what he's going to eat for breakfast?

Ah the brain, why can't it just let me be single and secure? Why the little gnawing questions? Why must it label every goddamn thing? My lover is making me very happy at the moment. He makes me laugh and he has helped renew in me a higher self-esteem. I'm going to try to breathe, relax and say, everything is ok and will be ok. Whatever happens next is going to happen, whether I think it to death or not. So I choose sleep, or at least another 45 minutes of struggling for peace. Didn't I say I was going to talk about music? Perhaps later this morning, after my brain wears itself out.