The Talk

Why is it that often times we are afraid of talking to our lovers? I'm up late wondering, should I have the talk.

I've been seeing the magician for over a month now. It's been almost two months since we have been back in touch. And it was so easy to talk before we slept together. It was so comfortable. It was a huge high, 24/7. Now it's a huge "what is going on?" What is going on? What is going on in his mind? That's what I am wondering. What is going on in my mind? That's what I'm wondering if he is wondering. Is he wondering anything at all? How soon is it to have a serious talk about where this is all going?

Now, I am not ready for a full-blown relationship. But I am ready to spend more time together. I am ready to know more about him. And what I really want and need to know is, "Am I the only woman he is seeing?" Or to be more accurate, "Am I the only woman he is sleeping with?" I have no real reason to think he is seeing someone else. But I do not know for sure because it has never been stated. And, having plenty of friends who are men, I know that plenty of men see plenty of women and they often don't tell these women that they are seeing other women. So the question also is, is that an ethical choice? If you think your partner might believe she is the only one you are seeing, is it ok to not tell her that that isn't the case? And do you feel guilty for withholding this information?

My thoughts lately are running in all kinds of directions. I'm having all kinds of crazy thoughts like:

He is secretly seeing another woman.
He is secretly seeing his ex-girlfriend
He's actually married and his wife lives in a different state.
He wishes he hadn't started this affair with me.
He wishes he hadn't started the affair with me but he enjoys the sex so he'll continue to see me.
He doesn't know how to end this affair.
He is enjoying the affair and wants it to be more but realizes how impractical it is because we live in different states.
He lives in Maine, I'm moving to New York in the fall, so what's the point?

So the real question is, when do I just ask him how he feels? Because that is obviously the next step. But I'm also really enjoying the excitement, the adventure, the uncertainty, the "my god what's going to happen next" aspect, so I've been keeping my mouth shut. Because part of me loves the uncertainty. But part of me is making myself miserable wondering what the hell he is thinking about me.

We see each other, it's wonderful. He doesn't call for days. He calls again and everything is back to normal. We see each other again. Same pattern.

It is difficult being over 2 hours away from one another, so when I go to New York, it will be over 6 hours. So what exactly am I doing? What do I want? All I know is, there's something really amazing happening between us and I'm not one to just let that go or to just let it fade away.