Voices in your head. Voices in your heart.

I am a die hard romantic. This is obvious. I often wonder what has made me so. What influences made me so, or was I just genetically made up this way? And for a woman who has had her heart broken numerous times, why do I keep going back for more? Most people after 5 plus failed relationships would say, "Fuck this love bullshit, I'm going to start sleeping around without getting involved emotionally and stand on my own goddamn feet and I'm not getting attached to another man as long as I can help it".

But oh no, I keep coming back for more. I keep diving heart first into what I feel could be "the big one". I honestly thought after my last relationship I would shut my heart down. Not to be opened again for at least a year. Not to be looked at, touched upon, no peeking, not even so much as a sly glance at it. I thought it would be closed off and not even a crow bar would be able to pry it open, even slightly.

But then I met someone. Well I met this someone 6 years ago and due to another relationship, I didn't pursue this person at that time. But I had often wondered "what if?" And I was blissfully happy with another man when I met this someone. So even though there had been a spark I chose to ignore it. Why fuck up something great for the unknown, right? I waited 6 years to contact this someone. It was an impulsive decision. I'm known for my impulsive decisions. Being impulsive has gotten me in trouble, but it sure as hell has made for some very amazing and memorable experiences.

And there was still a spark after all these years. I had only briefly met him when I was working in a box office at a performing arts center and his theatre company was touring a show that had come through one evening. We had maybe spent all of 20 minutes together back then but that was enough to keep a lasting impression. We had kept in touch on and off for a bit. He had even e-mailed me 2 1/2 years after our initial meeting. Obviously some spark was fighting to stick around. So I took a chance and I contacted him again last month and what has followed has been some of my most passionate times to date. The intensity was more powerful in person than it was when we were calling and e-mailing. And seeing him again after those 6 years felt exhilarating. We held hands within the first few moments and now all I can think about is feeling that same intensity when I see him again. I dream of kissing him almost every night because the kisses are perfect. And I am happy when I hear his voice. I instantly perk up and feel this whole other level of elevation.

Now do you see the romantic in me? His voice drowns out my voice, because when he speaks, I lose the inner voice that says, "Watch out, he may break your heart. He might let you down, he may not see this thing through". And that is my downfall typically. Meeting that perfect guy who can tear his way into my heart without my noticing it. I feel incapable of stopping it. And I often think I don't really want to. I often think I would rather take a chance on a passionate love affair than close myself off to something that could really be spectacular. My desires can out rule my logic. My mind often shuts down while my heart breaks past my brain and into the wonderful world of the unknown.

For the first time in my life I feel whole. I don't feel I need someone else to complete me. I am complete. I am in control of my own destiny and I choose to enjoy the passion while I can and if it turns out that this is the "big one" then I will welcome it. And if it turns out to be another failure. I will accept that too. But I'm a risk taker and I will take the chance because if I didn't I wouldn't be true to myself. I don't know any other way to be.