Time to regret or reflect?

Love. Love is pretty damn important to me. Love in all forms, with a man, love for my friends, love for my family, love for my cats, love for the theatre, love for the world around me. I have come to really hold love sacred. Maybe more sacred than anything. I love to share my life. No question. My thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my dislikes, my tastes, everything.

I met a man recently that really affected my life. In many ways, I tried not to let him into my life. But I couldn't help it. There was that connection, an even stronger one than I had been experiencing lately. And I think it was so strong that I actually got scared this time. I was afraid to let him into my heart. Or so I thought. What I am frustrated with right now is not knowing what could have happened between us. A lot did happen between us, but I'm struggling with wondering what more could have happened.

Unlike the previous men I have gotten involved with lately, I tried not to get involved with this man. I won't say I held out very long, but I held out a lot longer than most. He was younger by a few years, and not as experienced with relationships. Whereas I have had many long term relationships, so many that I have become extra cautious. I told him this when he began to open up to me about how he was feeling about me. The feelings were strong and very intense and in no time, I fell into this thing, alongside him and we spent as much time as we could together.

He is in seminary school. Which also made me quite cautious. He has been involved in the Christian community his whole life, having never really attended a secular educational institution. He's done missionary work, taught classes at religious schools and devoted a large portion of his life to Christianity. Or so it would seem. It's hard for me to reconcile his Christian life with his secular life. He seems to have two very distinct and separate lives. And in recent years he has come to doubt so much about what he has believed in. Those beliefs he held as such a deep-rooted essential part of his life.

My missionary man loves Ingmar Bergman, he loves Woody Allen, he loves Paul Simon, he loves the Coen Brothers, he loves so many things that I love. I think this is what initially drew us together. His first e-mail to me had the subject heading "of the same mind". Yes, there is so much we have that is of the same mind.

I am not anti-religion or anti-Christianity or anti-anything unless it is being closed-minded and judgemental. I am definitely spiritual and I struggle with the same beliefs, I feel most people struggle with. Is there a god? Am I living my life for a higher purpose? Will I live on after my body expires? Where will my soul go? I was also raised in a very Christian household. My dad was a minister (before I was born). I grew up going to church, bible school, even having bible lessons at my house, performed by my father. I even was convinced that people needed to be saved so they could go to heaven , well into my college years. I remember my college boyfriend and I having a fight over this, since he was agnostic. But once I hit my mid to late 20's I began questioning everything. Doubt loomed heavy and I couldn't agree with a lot of what was supposedly written in the bible. So I stick to living my life wondering and questioning, and I am ok with that most days. I probably live my life in a more "Christian" manner than most. I am giving, forgiving and very loving. And I try not to harm anyone or anything.

So what does this all come down to for me and the missionary man? Well, he pulled away when he realized how attached he had become to me. He pulled away saying I wouldn't fit into his world. This world that has been such a huge part of his life. I never asked him to give up anything. And I am angry because I feel that I am probably a better person than most of those people that have fit so well into his "world". And I feel he could be, or actually is closer to me, than most of those people. He said he was already regretting his decision not to see me anymore.

He is very intelligent, he's a philosopher. He will always question. And if he had a more secular background, I feel that this would never have been an issue. I just find it frustrating that I see right past all of this bullshit (about me not fitting in), and right into some part of his soul that is dying to free himself of all these restrictions and beliefs that he cannot reconcile in his own head, his heart and his soul.

I have done nothing wrong, I do not regret spending my time with him. I do not regret getting as close to him as I did. I do not regret lying in bed with him and skipping work while he skipped class and spending the whole day together talking and holding hands and kissing. Our bodies and our minds connected. Do I wish we could continue to spend time together? Yes. Do I want to see him again? Yes. I simply do not understand why we aren't lying together right now watching a Townes Van Zandt documentary.

I do not fit in his world, because he does not fit in his world. I do think he needs to figure out who he is, and what he believes and what are the most important things in his life. I am sad now and I feel a great loss by not being with him anymore. What usually happens between two people over a period of several months, happened between us within two weeks. I miss him. But I cannot let myself become more attached to him. That's the irony.

Why did I have to return his call?

So here I am. Back to the beginning. Waiting for a sign from the magician that he wants to see me. That he's crazy about me. That he misses me. I'm trying, trying so hard not to think about him. But I can't help myself.

I returned his call about a week ago. He picked up right away although he was waiting on a call from his lighting guy. He seemed genuinely happy to hear my voice. The lighting guy called in. He put me on hold for a few seconds and was right back, asking me about everything that had been going on in my life. He seemed a little upset about my moving to NYC in a month. I told him I was going to go this weekend to the city and he asked me specifically what day. Which I found a little odd. But will make more sense as you will see a little later. So it ended up being about a 20 minute conversation about what had gone on in our lives over the last 2 months. Then he had to go pick up his lighting guy from the airport but just as he was getting off the phone he said "I'm sorry I haven't called you, but of course I've been thinking about you, of course." To which I just said a very hesitant "ok". Then he said "And eventually I'm going to come see you." Which again, I replied with a very hesitant "ok".

What was I supposed to say? We had pretty much left it with the agreement that we wouldn't be communicating and then he calls me and says all of that. Pretty open admission for him. Obviously he had been missing me. But now what? I miss him yes. I'd love to see him, yes. I'd love to go to Maine. But I couldn't say any of it. I'm so afraid he'll break my heart again.

So I got an e-mail from him on Monday asking me if I was going to NYC and that he might take the Fung Wah out of Boston on Wednesday morning (today). I wrote him back saying that I wasn't able to make it and asked him why he was going to NYC. I wanted to know because when he came to visit me in Boston, he declared his dislike for cities in general. I know he doesn't have a show there. So I'm really confused and still wondering why he bothered to call me again. His communication skills are not great. But I do miss him. But I don't know if I can allow him to keep this sort of hold over me even if I am ultimately in control of it. I'm lost and don't know what to do with him.

But I'm still moving to NYC this September 1. A new life and a new beginning. I just have to decide if I am going to allow the magician any access to any part of my future.

Getting over the ex: Rule # 1 before you make another date.

Just when you start to feel like you have gotten past certain feelings, they seem to come back full force. The magician called this past Saturday. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't know he had called. But then there it was, a voicemail waiting for me. This voicemail appeared 2 hours before a scheduled date. We'll get to that in a moment. I listened to the message which seemed like a lot of his other messages, almost as if no time had passed and we were still seeing each other. It started with a hello, ran down a list of what he had been doing lately, and went on to say that he was in Chicago getting ready to do a show and he had driven out there. He said he hoped I was well, used the little nickname he had for me and then ended with a "give me a shout back" and a "hope to hear from you".

And I still went out on the date after hearing that. I said to myself, "Fuck it, I can still go out with this really cute boy, who seems very interested in me, he's around my age and seems to have figured out what he wants. " Now, I had met this man the previous weekend through some friends. One of them being the previously mentioned man from the wedding reception. They are both in the same band. Yeah, I'm starting to feel like a groupie. Thank god the other two guys are gay.

But it seems that every guy I meet lately is overly enthusiastic about me at first but then they start to realize they are fucked up or not over their ex and then I am just this great girl who happened to spark their interest but can be nothing more. And I am not even sure I want to be something more. Well maybe with the beautiful man from the wedding reception. We'll call him Hank. Hank definitely made me feel butterflies but he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend. And then I meet his bandmate, which I will call Dylan. Now, Dylan was really really cute. And very sweet, driving me home the first night we all hung out. And then asking me out on a date a few days later. Like Hank, Dylan had texted me the "had a fun night with you" text. I mean, can I safely assume this is a guy's way of telling you he's interested? Or should I start assuming it means they like me, are interested in me but not over their ex-girlfriend?

Because that was also the case with Dylan. And this happened after an almost 12 hour date. I'm thinking things are great up until the point we are kissing and he says "Well this is different." That should have tipped me off, as well as the picture of him and the ex still sitting on his dresser. I mean, this was great date of dinner, drinks, walking around the city, holding hands, strangers telling us that they thought we were such a cute couple, etc etc.

And then as I am lying in his arms later that evening, he says that he knows his relationship with his ex is over but then again he might also want to get back with her and settle down with her. At which there is a moment of awkard silence and then he says, "You're wondering why you are here aren't you?" And I say "Yes". Then I get, "You are a beautiful, amazing, gorgeous girl, don't ever doubt that because I'm fucked up." Exact words my friends. Exact words.

And honestly, I can't be too mad at him. I was thinking about the magician a lot of the time. But I was trying so hard not to. The magician. I had missed him so very much. So I called him back this past Tuesday. Stay tuned.

Going with your gut. Can it always be right?

Ok ladies, I've been on a hiatus. I had been in a depression of sorts. I thought somehow I had enough wisdom in my 34 years to not get my heart broken again. And I'm beginning to wonder if this pattern is just something I need to learn to live with. I trust my gut, I go with my gut. I put my heart on the line because I don't know how else to be. I hate dishonesty. Maybe I'd rather let the sobs come and feel those great emotions well up inside me rather than deny them or not let them come full force, like the eye of a hurricane ripping straight through my heart.

The magician let me down. Oh yes, big time. He was yet another man who was lost, who didn't know what he wanted. A man of almost 53 years and he still hasn't found a way to let something real into his life. A man who couldn't express his emotions. A man who told me I was wonderful. A man who told me I was gorgeous. A man who told me I woke him up. A man who didn't mind letting me into his bedroom and perhaps into his heart briefly, and then shut me out almost as soon as he opened the door.

Yes, he came to visit me. Two days before my birthday. He spent the night. We had dinner, brunch, did some shopping. But I could tell it was over, almost moments after he stepped into my house. Even though he held me to him, walked hand in hand with me and slept against my bare skin. He fixed my door. The door that was falling off its hinges. He fixed my door and broke my heart. He wanted to leave things in that sort of "who knows what will happen" category. I told him no. That wouldn't be healthy for me. I told him not to contact me and then cried for 3 days straight. And in a weak moment, I texted him on my way to Virginia, 2 weeks later. Just to say that I hoped he was well and that I was thinking of him. He instant messaged me the next day and it was the usual, small chit chat, no conversation of any consequence and I knew it was really over. I bought him a birthday present. I wrote him a card, a poem. I almost mailed it. But I didn't. It's still sitting in my room. And I like it there. This was a huge step for me, not mailing it. Not letting him know I still cared and how he affected me and what it all meant to me. And as time went on. I knew I did the right thing. It was a brief affair. Maybe it was just what I needed then too. Even if it did hurt like hell afterwards.

Then unexpectedly in Virginia. I met another man. Well, a man I had met 3 years ago actually. But only once, and I had thought he was very lovely then. But when I saw him again, I felt those wonderful little butterflies, he made my knees weak, my heart melt. I don't think I've ever laid eyes on anyone as beautiful as he is. I didn't think it would be possible to even be affected or look at someone that way again. Honestly. After the magician debacle, I was not ready to dive back in there and open myself up.

But this man. He was just too lovely. And I know there was something happening between us, from the start. And it wasn't just obvious to me, but to those around us witnessing it. And we had been in pretty regular contact since that day over Memorial Day weekend. We had gone out several times. I had to force myself not to call him and ask him to hang out everyday. And he did the asking too. It all started with his simple text, the night back in May, saying "I had a fun night with you Susan!" and so it appeared he was interested. He didn't need to text me that. We had hung out in a group (although we did kind of pair off as the evening progressed). Back in Boston (yes he lives here as well), he invited me to hear his band play and I thought this was a particularly good sign because I had to ride down to Providence with him.

And we continued to talk, see each other, even make a movie date of sorts. But I can also tell when someone is pulling back. And he was. And it turns out he had recently broken up with someone a week before I saw him again. He's not ready. And really, am I ready? I doubt it. But there is just something about him. I know he is a good person. Not only beautiful and I mean amazingly beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside. And I can't seem to shake this feeling I have, of the possibility of something genuine and uniquely beautiful happening between us. But I have to just let him be. I'm not going to force anything. And I'm also going to look out for myself again and get back to focusing on me. It will be good for me to not be involved with anyone. But given my choice, I would take a chance with him in a heartbeat.

He's opened my eyes. Meeting him has given me the belief that there could be someone out there that will be good for me. Someone who is intelligent, beautiful, thoughtful and kind. At least I know I deserve someone like him. I deserve happiness and to be the woman that a man wants to be with for more than just sex... or even a great love affair. I am thankful that I met him again, regardless of what will or will not be in the present.

Guess Who's Coming to Boston?

Let's talk patience. For a gal raised by a dad with a patience rating between 1 and 0, I have an amazing amount of patience. Perhaps it's having watched my mother be the most amazing and patient woman I have ever seen. Maybe watching her all those years, I've grown accustomed to putting myself aside for the needs of others. God knows she did. Perhaps this seemed normal and acceptable in my eyes. Just the way of life. Now, I should mention here that my dad is 19 years older than my mom. I should also mention that the magician is 19 years older than me. And if we dig even further, Jake was 17 years older than me. And right before Jake, I dated a man 20 years older than me.

I'm not sure if this is telling, or if it speaks volumes about me. I'm not sure I've ever looked for a man of a certain age. Honestly, in most cases I have been pursued, not the other way around. And in these cases, these older men didn't know my background, whether it be family or previous relationships. And I never considered any of the older men in my life to be father figures since my dad was 44 years older than me.

And as I've said before, I've dated men in a variety of age ranges. I've dated men a few years younger than me, a few years older than me, men my age, men 7-10 years older than me, and men in that 15-20 years older age bracket. But I've generally been attracted to men regardless of their age. It just never seemed to be a factor for disqualifying a man from my life. You can't help who you fall for.

But back to the e-mail. I was sure I wouldn't hear from the magician for a few days. I was almost sure I had crossed into territory that would scare him away. I was sure he was going to tell me that it had been fun but he wasn't ready for anything more at this point in his life.

But I got a phone call, less than 12 hours after sending the e-mail. At first the conversation turned to small talk but then moments later he said, "So I got your e-mail."And shortly after "You just need to be patient with me". And now I am asking myself, can I be? Should I be? How long do I wait again for a man to put me as a priority? To be fair, his life is insanely hectic right now. He does have a lot on his plate. But I had gone to see him at this point, 4 times and he had yet to come to Boston. He told me he really liked me. He said things would settle soon. I do realize that whenever he is not busy, he is calling me. He keeps in touch with me regularly, so I don't question that he wants to see me again. I just questioned when, and how often is enough for him.

Then he called me Sunday night. He said he is coming to visit me this Saturday and Sunday. I was a little surprised but a little relieved. Hopefully after this weekend we can both figure out where this is headed. I can't keep falling for him and get my heart broken once again. I just can't keep doing this. I wish I could have kept it casual, but I just don't work that way. Something's not programmed in my DNA to allow that sort of safety.

The Anxiety of Waiting

Before I break into what I am going through right now, I want to mention the book I am reading. It's called The Three-Cornered World by Natsume Soseki. From the first chapter:

Approach everything rationally, and you become harsh.
Pole along in the stream of emotions , and you will be swept away by the current.
Give free rein to your desires, and you become uncomfortably confined.
It is not a very agreeable place to live, this world of ours.

This is exactly what I am feeling right now. I'm trying not to get swept away by my emotions and at the same time I want to stay true to myself.

So I wrote an e-mail last night. This wasn't the easy way out. It was the only way out. Since the magician lives 2 plus hours away, and travels every weekend and when he isn't traveling, he is up on a mountain skiing or snowboarding, our time together and our conversations have been limited.

I had to find out what the hell is going on in his head. He is flying out of Boston today. And he is flying back into Boston Saturday morning. When I spoke to him last night, there was still no mention of him visiting me or coming to Boston any more than his usual flights in out out of the city. The last message from him was that he would be visiting me in Boston, but no plans have been made. And I know the difficulty of us being 2 states away and I also understand that when he travels he always has his lighting guy with him. But the romantic in me wants to scream out, "Hey why don't I sneak out of my temp job and come visit you at the airport, even if it's for 10 minutes." That's what I am feeling. And I honestly don't know what he is feeling.

So I asked him. I put my heart on the line. It's out there now. So now I must play the gut-wrenching, unknowing, all consuming waiting game.

I wasn't accusing. I was simply asking, what he is feeling. I see no need to guess or wonder at this point. I don't need to work up scenarios in my head or sit here and put words in his mouth. I simply asked and I would have done it in person if I could figure out when and where we would see each other again. But there was no definite time frame and I've gotten tired of wondering.

It could be good. It could be bad. Whatever it is, at least I'll know and that is better than being left in the dark.

The Talk

Why is it that often times we are afraid of talking to our lovers? I'm up late wondering, should I have the talk.

I've been seeing the magician for over a month now. It's been almost two months since we have been back in touch. And it was so easy to talk before we slept together. It was so comfortable. It was a huge high, 24/7. Now it's a huge "what is going on?" What is going on? What is going on in his mind? That's what I am wondering. What is going on in my mind? That's what I'm wondering if he is wondering. Is he wondering anything at all? How soon is it to have a serious talk about where this is all going?

Now, I am not ready for a full-blown relationship. But I am ready to spend more time together. I am ready to know more about him. And what I really want and need to know is, "Am I the only woman he is seeing?" Or to be more accurate, "Am I the only woman he is sleeping with?" I have no real reason to think he is seeing someone else. But I do not know for sure because it has never been stated. And, having plenty of friends who are men, I know that plenty of men see plenty of women and they often don't tell these women that they are seeing other women. So the question also is, is that an ethical choice? If you think your partner might believe she is the only one you are seeing, is it ok to not tell her that that isn't the case? And do you feel guilty for withholding this information?

My thoughts lately are running in all kinds of directions. I'm having all kinds of crazy thoughts like:

He is secretly seeing another woman.
He is secretly seeing his ex-girlfriend
He's actually married and his wife lives in a different state.
He wishes he hadn't started this affair with me.
He wishes he hadn't started the affair with me but he enjoys the sex so he'll continue to see me.
He doesn't know how to end this affair.
He is enjoying the affair and wants it to be more but realizes how impractical it is because we live in different states.
He lives in Maine, I'm moving to New York in the fall, so what's the point?

So the real question is, when do I just ask him how he feels? Because that is obviously the next step. But I'm also really enjoying the excitement, the adventure, the uncertainty, the "my god what's going to happen next" aspect, so I've been keeping my mouth shut. Because part of me loves the uncertainty. But part of me is making myself miserable wondering what the hell he is thinking about me.

We see each other, it's wonderful. He doesn't call for days. He calls again and everything is back to normal. We see each other again. Same pattern.

It is difficult being over 2 hours away from one another, so when I go to New York, it will be over 6 hours. So what exactly am I doing? What do I want? All I know is, there's something really amazing happening between us and I'm not one to just let that go or to just let it fade away.