Guess Who's Coming to Boston?

Let's talk patience. For a gal raised by a dad with a patience rating between 1 and 0, I have an amazing amount of patience. Perhaps it's having watched my mother be the most amazing and patient woman I have ever seen. Maybe watching her all those years, I've grown accustomed to putting myself aside for the needs of others. God knows she did. Perhaps this seemed normal and acceptable in my eyes. Just the way of life. Now, I should mention here that my dad is 19 years older than my mom. I should also mention that the magician is 19 years older than me. And if we dig even further, Jake was 17 years older than me. And right before Jake, I dated a man 20 years older than me.

I'm not sure if this is telling, or if it speaks volumes about me. I'm not sure I've ever looked for a man of a certain age. Honestly, in most cases I have been pursued, not the other way around. And in these cases, these older men didn't know my background, whether it be family or previous relationships. And I never considered any of the older men in my life to be father figures since my dad was 44 years older than me.

And as I've said before, I've dated men in a variety of age ranges. I've dated men a few years younger than me, a few years older than me, men my age, men 7-10 years older than me, and men in that 15-20 years older age bracket. But I've generally been attracted to men regardless of their age. It just never seemed to be a factor for disqualifying a man from my life. You can't help who you fall for.

But back to the e-mail. I was sure I wouldn't hear from the magician for a few days. I was almost sure I had crossed into territory that would scare him away. I was sure he was going to tell me that it had been fun but he wasn't ready for anything more at this point in his life.

But I got a phone call, less than 12 hours after sending the e-mail. At first the conversation turned to small talk but then moments later he said, "So I got your e-mail."And shortly after "You just need to be patient with me". And now I am asking myself, can I be? Should I be? How long do I wait again for a man to put me as a priority? To be fair, his life is insanely hectic right now. He does have a lot on his plate. But I had gone to see him at this point, 4 times and he had yet to come to Boston. He told me he really liked me. He said things would settle soon. I do realize that whenever he is not busy, he is calling me. He keeps in touch with me regularly, so I don't question that he wants to see me again. I just questioned when, and how often is enough for him.

Then he called me Sunday night. He said he is coming to visit me this Saturday and Sunday. I was a little surprised but a little relieved. Hopefully after this weekend we can both figure out where this is headed. I can't keep falling for him and get my heart broken once again. I just can't keep doing this. I wish I could have kept it casual, but I just don't work that way. Something's not programmed in my DNA to allow that sort of safety.

The Anxiety of Waiting

Before I break into what I am going through right now, I want to mention the book I am reading. It's called The Three-Cornered World by Natsume Soseki. From the first chapter:

Approach everything rationally, and you become harsh.
Pole along in the stream of emotions , and you will be swept away by the current.
Give free rein to your desires, and you become uncomfortably confined.
It is not a very agreeable place to live, this world of ours.

This is exactly what I am feeling right now. I'm trying not to get swept away by my emotions and at the same time I want to stay true to myself.

So I wrote an e-mail last night. This wasn't the easy way out. It was the only way out. Since the magician lives 2 plus hours away, and travels every weekend and when he isn't traveling, he is up on a mountain skiing or snowboarding, our time together and our conversations have been limited.

I had to find out what the hell is going on in his head. He is flying out of Boston today. And he is flying back into Boston Saturday morning. When I spoke to him last night, there was still no mention of him visiting me or coming to Boston any more than his usual flights in out out of the city. The last message from him was that he would be visiting me in Boston, but no plans have been made. And I know the difficulty of us being 2 states away and I also understand that when he travels he always has his lighting guy with him. But the romantic in me wants to scream out, "Hey why don't I sneak out of my temp job and come visit you at the airport, even if it's for 10 minutes." That's what I am feeling. And I honestly don't know what he is feeling.

So I asked him. I put my heart on the line. It's out there now. So now I must play the gut-wrenching, unknowing, all consuming waiting game.

I wasn't accusing. I was simply asking, what he is feeling. I see no need to guess or wonder at this point. I don't need to work up scenarios in my head or sit here and put words in his mouth. I simply asked and I would have done it in person if I could figure out when and where we would see each other again. But there was no definite time frame and I've gotten tired of wondering.

It could be good. It could be bad. Whatever it is, at least I'll know and that is better than being left in the dark.