Why did I have to return his call?

So here I am. Back to the beginning. Waiting for a sign from the magician that he wants to see me. That he's crazy about me. That he misses me. I'm trying, trying so hard not to think about him. But I can't help myself.

I returned his call about a week ago. He picked up right away although he was waiting on a call from his lighting guy. He seemed genuinely happy to hear my voice. The lighting guy called in. He put me on hold for a few seconds and was right back, asking me about everything that had been going on in my life. He seemed a little upset about my moving to NYC in a month. I told him I was going to go this weekend to the city and he asked me specifically what day. Which I found a little odd. But will make more sense as you will see a little later. So it ended up being about a 20 minute conversation about what had gone on in our lives over the last 2 months. Then he had to go pick up his lighting guy from the airport but just as he was getting off the phone he said "I'm sorry I haven't called you, but of course I've been thinking about you, of course." To which I just said a very hesitant "ok". Then he said "And eventually I'm going to come see you." Which again, I replied with a very hesitant "ok".

What was I supposed to say? We had pretty much left it with the agreement that we wouldn't be communicating and then he calls me and says all of that. Pretty open admission for him. Obviously he had been missing me. But now what? I miss him yes. I'd love to see him, yes. I'd love to go to Maine. But I couldn't say any of it. I'm so afraid he'll break my heart again.

So I got an e-mail from him on Monday asking me if I was going to NYC and that he might take the Fung Wah out of Boston on Wednesday morning (today). I wrote him back saying that I wasn't able to make it and asked him why he was going to NYC. I wanted to know because when he came to visit me in Boston, he declared his dislike for cities in general. I know he doesn't have a show there. So I'm really confused and still wondering why he bothered to call me again. His communication skills are not great. But I do miss him. But I don't know if I can allow him to keep this sort of hold over me even if I am ultimately in control of it. I'm lost and don't know what to do with him.

But I'm still moving to NYC this September 1. A new life and a new beginning. I just have to decide if I am going to allow the magician any access to any part of my future.

Getting over the ex: Rule # 1 before you make another date.

Just when you start to feel like you have gotten past certain feelings, they seem to come back full force. The magician called this past Saturday. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't know he had called. But then there it was, a voicemail waiting for me. This voicemail appeared 2 hours before a scheduled date. We'll get to that in a moment. I listened to the message which seemed like a lot of his other messages, almost as if no time had passed and we were still seeing each other. It started with a hello, ran down a list of what he had been doing lately, and went on to say that he was in Chicago getting ready to do a show and he had driven out there. He said he hoped I was well, used the little nickname he had for me and then ended with a "give me a shout back" and a "hope to hear from you".

And I still went out on the date after hearing that. I said to myself, "Fuck it, I can still go out with this really cute boy, who seems very interested in me, he's around my age and seems to have figured out what he wants. " Now, I had met this man the previous weekend through some friends. One of them being the previously mentioned man from the wedding reception. They are both in the same band. Yeah, I'm starting to feel like a groupie. Thank god the other two guys are gay.

But it seems that every guy I meet lately is overly enthusiastic about me at first but then they start to realize they are fucked up or not over their ex and then I am just this great girl who happened to spark their interest but can be nothing more. And I am not even sure I want to be something more. Well maybe with the beautiful man from the wedding reception. We'll call him Hank. Hank definitely made me feel butterflies but he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend. And then I meet his bandmate, which I will call Dylan. Now, Dylan was really really cute. And very sweet, driving me home the first night we all hung out. And then asking me out on a date a few days later. Like Hank, Dylan had texted me the "had a fun night with you" text. I mean, can I safely assume this is a guy's way of telling you he's interested? Or should I start assuming it means they like me, are interested in me but not over their ex-girlfriend?

Because that was also the case with Dylan. And this happened after an almost 12 hour date. I'm thinking things are great up until the point we are kissing and he says "Well this is different." That should have tipped me off, as well as the picture of him and the ex still sitting on his dresser. I mean, this was great date of dinner, drinks, walking around the city, holding hands, strangers telling us that they thought we were such a cute couple, etc etc.

And then as I am lying in his arms later that evening, he says that he knows his relationship with his ex is over but then again he might also want to get back with her and settle down with her. At which there is a moment of awkard silence and then he says, "You're wondering why you are here aren't you?" And I say "Yes". Then I get, "You are a beautiful, amazing, gorgeous girl, don't ever doubt that because I'm fucked up." Exact words my friends. Exact words.

And honestly, I can't be too mad at him. I was thinking about the magician a lot of the time. But I was trying so hard not to. The magician. I had missed him so very much. So I called him back this past Tuesday. Stay tuned.